Yet, when it comes to health, you seem intent on marching in the opposite direction. You propose nationalising healthcare services, dismantling a multibillion-rand medical aid industry, and effectively hobbling private-sector health providers.

Peeling back this onion reveals the glorious chaos of government-owned funds. The same folks who can’t manage a piggy bank want to launch a new NHI fund.

My leader, I write these hospital chronicles to highlight the sheer scale of resources and speed required to deal with diseases efficiently and effectively. If you destroy medical aid, you will ruin the only functioning part of our healthcare system.

My leader, I write to discuss the South African Police Service (SAPS) and its “concomitant” failures. The real issue is design-induced failure. For over five years, we endured a jester as Police minister, more interested in watching himself on TV than modernising SAPS’s archaic systems.

My leader, I wanted to talk to you about the South African Police Service and its “concomitant” failures, not due to incompetence (of course, some officers are incompetent; that’s life). Still, the glaring failure I am talking about is the design-induced failure. Of course, for five years or more, we had a jester for a police minister who enjoyed watching himself on TV but did nothing to upgrade the police service’s archaic systems from victim statement taking, case number generation, detective allocation and actual court ready dockets aided and abetted by technology. Everything is paper-based, and we are in 2024, nogal.

"The findings, my labour of love, reveal the shocking pervasiveness of violence against women and children. Each statistic represents lives shattered, often aided and abetted by your inertia."

‘I announce the passing of your mythical daughter, Tintswalo’

Please, my leader, explain how 100 days turned into 1 030 days without a word or a compact. Or is that question too tricky? Let me simplify: What exactly has your economic policy been since taking over from uBaba on February 15, 2018?

In case someone accuses me of embellishing, you told Parliament (House of Nothingness): “We have given ourselves 100 days to finalise a comprehensive social compact to grow our economy, create jobs and combat hunger.” Please, my leader, explain to me slowly, like someone speaking to a five-year-old child whose toys were bought with money deposited via ATMs, how 100 days morphed into 1,030 days without a word of the social compact? Okay, that may be a tricky question.

Since 16 February 2018, for a staggering 2,113 days — in maths literacy terms, an exact five years, nine months, and 13 days — you’ve revelled in the trappings of high office, but the masses of our people have nothing to show for it.

Yet, 2113 days — precisely five years, nine months and 13 days later — the “masses” have nothing to show for it but dashed hopes. Your promises?

"Ntshavheni is my kind of woman; she has a knack for speaking the truth — not to power, mind you, but to the poor."

Khumbudzo Ntshavheni’s statement that ‘criminals are not to be helped, criminals are to be persecuted’ delivers an important lesson: that all ANC cadres entangled with the law are to be deemed ‘criminals’ and we, as the electorate, must refuse to be served by such individuals.

Instead of following Trump’s example, let’s have a Department of Common Sense led by two seasoned entrepreneurs: Brian Joffe, the founder of the Bidvest Group, and Adrian Gore, the founder of Discovery Holdings. Design new remuneration standards, cut red tape and set the country on a path to recovery. Excuse my clumsiness; leadership, I forgot about affirmative action.

I guess “a country gets the government it deserves”. Our governance — a mosaic of saints and scoundrels — is but a reflection of ourselves

I’m sitting here in my study (take note, haters) in the leafy suburb of Waterkloof, Pretoria, gazing out at the jacarandas in full bloom. Yet, despite my earlier musings on the so-called green shoots of this GNU, I find myself gripped by a great sense of unease.

One module should be Pure Mathematics and Financial Accounting 101. Cadres must be taught, using a case study from the Minister of Justice and Constitutional Development, Thembi Simelane, on how not to diversify one’s income, investment decision-making, and understanding the interest charged on loans.

The most important module is ‘Radical Concepts of Political Morality and Humility’. Here we tackle the essential lesson that you cannot drive a ‘borrowed’ armoured Mercedes-AMG G63 on the election campaign trail in an informal settlement. If you qualify for VIP protection, this course is a must for you.

I say to the new Minister of Basic Education, Siviwe Gwarube: discontinue mathematical literacy, otherwise all “our” leaders will end up in orange overalls for stealing small change.

I don’t know, my leader, if you follow, but white people truly know how to steal. I chalk it up to them having never done mathematical literacy but rather pure mathematics, while “our” leaders mastered biblical studies and agriculture at school.

As we approach the United Nations 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence, I urge us to extend the analogy of rats and mice to the pervasive, costly and pandemic levels of gender-based violence and femicide.

What baffles me is the decision to purchase a coffee shop in Sandton while comfortably ensconced in the mayoral office in Polokwane, and the shop is 316 km from your daily grind.

Since 2005, I’ve basked in the glow of proximity to the high and mighty of the ANC elite.

My aha moment reveals that voters care about tangible issues — working streetlights, potholes, running water, reliable electricity, jobs, grants or even a messiah. Zuma anyone?

It is a tragic spectacle, seeing former political heavyweights reduced to clinging to the coattails of a dubious Zuma cause.

In other news, the Public Procurement Act, which you signed into law on Tuesday, is a significant development for economic transformation and anti-graft measures in our country.

Zuma's expulsion from the ANC marks the end of an era, if not an error, and the beginning of a new journey that continues to captivate and confound in equal measure.

Many police officers, with only matric qualifications, lack the skills to combat syndicates or handle financial crimes.

As an academic genius, one must wonder: Did Floyd truly apply his mind or let emotion guide him as he abandoned the trenches of economic freedom for an unknown entity?

I see absolutely nothing wrong with Cabanac’s appointment; after all, I’ve witnessed far worse when dealing with chiefs of staff.

This week, my dear leader, let’s delve into the rogue’s gallery sworn in last week, now gracing the opposition benches in the National Assembly, hand-picked by none other than uBaba of the Zuma Party.

As a prematurely retired servant of the people, I’m seeing green shoots in the DA’s behaviour, finally ridding itself of rotten apples.

"The strategy, a first of its kind, seeks to unite the faith sector to address its perennial crisis: complicity in the perpetuation of spiritual violence, that twin evil of gender-based violence."

In a satirical column addressed to Cyril Ramaphosa, Bhekisisa Mncube reflects on the President's negotiating skills and how he landed up with the cabinet he has.

Bhekisisa Mncube as seen in: Flipboard, City Press, News24, Sunday Times, Eyewitness News, The Citizen (South Africa), Mail & Guardian, Sowetan, Polity, JournalismIziko (May 2018 - current).

The political gods smiled at me when I chanced upon the uMkhonto weSizwe Party (MKP) Facebook Live session leading up to the first sitting of the seventh Parliament of South Africa.

The rise of Jacob Zuma’s uMkhonto weSizwe Party (MK Party) represents a confluence of ethnic mobilisation, false anti-capitalist sentiment, myopic pro-black advocacy, and purported resistance against Western influence.

In a satirical column addressed to President Cyril Ramaphosa, Bhekisisa Mncube writes about his ideological battle with some of the country's two-faced leaders.

Chief Dwasaho, the sands are shifting, heralding an era of sea change. uBaba kaDuduzane (soothe others), no Mziwoxolo (house of refuge) Edward Zuma and a band of 25 et al. has turned traitor, wielding the Spear of the Nation (uMkhonto weSizwe) to stab you squarely in the back.

Inkosi Mangosuthu Gatsha Buthelezi was one of the most polarising political figures of the 20th century, and his hands dripped with blood.

Ladies and gentlemen, listen up! I have something juicy to share about the ongoing feud between AmaZulu FC and their former communications manager, Phumlani Dube, who was fired for allegedly assaulting a colleague.

Mr President, do you sometimes get the weird feeling that you’re not the right guy to be our President? I do. In fact, quite a lot lately.

Downer has earned every month for 17 years and performed dismally, with no Zuma conviction. He should be ashamed of himself.

This week, Mr President, you dedicated your letter to the nation to anti-foreigner sentiments and killings allegedly perpetuated by vigilante groups such as Operation Dudula.