"Did Jacob Zuma’s baby girl incite violence? Really now? uGal’s entire professional résumé consists of sitting next to uBaba during press conferences, flashing a rehearsed smile on cue."

I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Daddy’s Gal now boasts a new title: ‘Commander’ Duduzile Zuma-Sambudla. One can only assume she is currently deep in the bush undergoing advanced emoji warfare training in preparation for Zuma Riots 2.0.

Still, my local mole swears you even got the Democratic Alliance (DA) to clap for you – not once, not twice, but three times. It is alleged – and I cannot confirm because my mole’s Wi-Fi was on a go-slow – that the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) did not raise a single point of order. Meanwhile, the uMkhonto Wesizwe party (MK) sat quietly, behaving better than a Grade R class on their first school day.

If the land question remains unresolved, it will, irrespective of who replaces the ANC in the next poll, result in an Arab Spring scenario. We will see the scenes of the July ‘Zuma’ 2021 riots tenfold.

Meanwhile, the political class—across all parties—is preoccupied with trivialities: bringing the Formula One Grand Prix race to the country, rehabilitating abandoned government buildings, and chasing undocumented foreign nationals, as if any of these will solve the country’s deep-seated land crises.

"My leader, the Expropriation Act is 30 years late and will not, in the short term, improve dire land hunger for formal settlements and agriculture among indigenous people."

Since taking office ages ago, you’ve sung endlessly about ANC renewal. Earlier this month, delivering the January 8 statement, you claimed: “The renewal of the ANC remains the number one priority.”

This week, I was meant to wax lyrical about the most important resolution of the ANC, “organisational renewal”, one so vital that it probably deserves a national holiday, a commemorative T-shirt, and a five-hour panel discussion on the SABC. I ask for your indulgence.

Yet, when it comes to health, you seem intent on marching in the opposite direction. You propose nationalising healthcare services, dismantling a multibillion-rand medical aid industry, and effectively hobbling private-sector health providers.

Peeling back this onion reveals the glorious chaos of government-owned funds. The same folks who can’t manage a piggy bank want to launch a new NHI fund.